A couple blog posts back I wrote about the 3 ways we're wired to respond to fear and how many of us are vacillating between Fight, Flight or Freeze in the midst of this global pandemic and quarantine. The other thing nearly everyone on this planet is processing is LOSS to some degree or another. There's the understandable grief that comes with the death of loved ones, but we're also facing major changes on all kinds of levels. In the blink of an eye in person social gatherings, access to abundant toilet paper supplies and haircuts have practically vanished! Thriving businesses have been forced to a grinding halt. The US and Europe have been experiencing a financial free-fall. Grief isn’t just for the bereaved. We also feel it with financial loss, professional loss, social loss and with sudden, unexpected or drastic changes.
Comedian Gilda Radner as Roseanne Roseannadanna used to say “It's always something – if it's not one thing it's another.” In this case it's either FEAR or Grief.
Ever learned about the 5 Stages of Grief by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross? In her research she discovered that people go through Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. The thing is, It’s rarely linear. Most of us move around these stages like a game of musical chairs. How we feel at any giving moment, how resourced we are, how much we’ve got left in our resilience tank… all of this contributes to where we’re at.
As we navigate our second month coping with CoVid here in the US, many of us have left the Netflix and denial stage. I find myself vacillating between all of the above. Denial: “Maybe I'm overreacting.” Anger: =”WTF! How can they think this is OKAY?!?” or Kids in the Hall style: “I crush your tiny orange head” to the TV. Bargaining: “We'll be okay, we wore our masks and gloves and only went to the grocery store.” “As long as I keep my system calm and grounded I'll get through this.” “If we'd all just stay home, we'll flatten the curve and then everything will be okay.” Depression: “This SUCKS, what will even be left when this is all over?” “It breaks my heart to witness so many people suffer and struggle to keep their heads above water when the system seems SO broken.” Acceptance: “I guess this really IS happening.” “Time to hunker down and plant zucchini seeds.” “I wonder what I CAN do to help.”
In the same way that it helps to recognize how we are responding with Fight, Flight or Freeze, it's also helpful to identify where we're at with our grieving process. Stress, grief and fear easily comes out side ways. When we're conscious of how it's showing up for us we can make more effective choices than if it's driving our bus and we're being dragged along for the ride.
I've noticed it's much easier to have compassion for people who do things that seem out of character or peculiar when I take a moment to consider these two lenses. While unconscious expressions of grief or fear do not excuse bad behavior or acting out, it can make them easier to understand.
For me this starts at home. It means cutting myself some slack when I practically have a melt down because my Gluten Free fruit juice sweetened raspberry jam got “contaminated” with a knife that touched whole wheat bread. And YES I totally know how first world and out of proportion this was. It means noticing when my ire starts to flare up. It means pulling back from reacting to other people's angry posts about the wearing of masks, quarantine restrictions or the seemingly irrational rules about which businesses are allowed to open and which ones have to remain closed. Most of all It means having the willingness to own my deeper emotions masked by worries over a package lost in the mail or irritation about a FB invite to join some new “friend” request's business coaching group when she hasn't even said hello. IMHO at the very core of all of this is grief. What I know, is that the only way out is through. Resisting grief only amplifies and distorts it, surrendering allows it to flow. Having the willingness to own the sorrow is the key. By no means am I saying this is easy but then again neither is the alternative.
